I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
