I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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