You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
