You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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