I just pynch a tree in the face
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
