Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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