Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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