I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
