He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
