We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
