3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
