im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
