I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
