"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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