My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
