For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
