my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
