Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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