i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
