Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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