I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
