Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
