I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
