You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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