Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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