a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
