Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
