My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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