swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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