a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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