I wish my penis had an off switch
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
