Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
