oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
