i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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