we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
