That's intense
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
