I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
