I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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