I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
