I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
