Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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