Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
