Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i was born a porn star she said
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
