life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
