I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just google imaged poop.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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