I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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