Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
