dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What drink are we having for lunch?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
