I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
