Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
