I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Your dad touched me again.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
