the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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