Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
