Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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