My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
