I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize