I puked a lego.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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