3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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