i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
