she woke up with a sticky ear
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
