I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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