Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it's great music for shaving your balls
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
