So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
