Don't make out with my wife yet
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize