Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my sisters under your porch take her home
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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