the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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