i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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