i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize