Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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