I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
